Thursday, January 6, 2011

Warning...this post is raw feelings and emotion. Reader beware.

Well I hope you took heed to the warning in the title!

This is a post that is coming from a pretty raw place in my life right now. It all started almost a year ago when Paul and I really felt like God was calling me into a new place in my life. I went back to "school" and got my teaching certificate. (and by "school", I mean, 6 weeks of intense classes, reading, projects and a significant amount of money)

I finished and all I needed was a teaching job to complete the process. We felt so confident in the way that God was leading us. I had my first interview in May 2010 and waited and waited and waited to hear about the coveted job that I was seeking.

Well fast forward 8 months to January 2011. I have now been through the interview process 4...FOUR times and still have very little to show for it.

Don't get me wrong, I have a job, with the district, that I like. Which is MUCH more than many people have and for that, I am grateful. However I am so far away from where I thought I would be! I thought I would be in a Kindergarten classroom by now, teaching, using my gifts and knowledge.

Instead I have an aid position teaching preschoolers. Not a bad gig at all....just not the direction that I thought God was moving me.

I now have been passed over again. I will get to move to my kids' school (for those that know the full story) but it is a lateral move to another aid position. Please hear my heart when I say, I am THANKFUL that I get to move to my kids' school...again...just not at all where I thought I would be at this point.

Maybe my expectations were too high. But is that really possible with God? Is it possible for my expectations to be higher that His? I of course don't think so. Somewhere I went wrong, though. Or I'm not understanding His ways that are clearly higher than mine. Is He protecting me from something? Is He holding out on me? Is He saving something better for me?

For whatever reason, I know with my head that His best is always BEST. I struggle with believing that with the rest of my heart though. Because I cannot fathom what is better. I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I knew what would best suit me. Apparently, I don't.

I'm so frustrated. Have I don't something so wrong that God is punishing me for my disobedience? Am I so far out of God's will that I can't even hear or trust Him with my decision? Honestly, I don't know.

I KNOW with all of my being that God has control and knows what is best for me. I also know that just because things are hard doesn't mean I'm out of God's will. But I. am. struggling. deeply.

This is arguably one of the hardest journey's I have been on with the Lord. I find it very difficult to decipher His voice from my wants and desires. My husband helps. a lot. but I must struggle through this. Honestly my desires and wishes continue to push to the front and it's a constant battle to hold them back long enough for me to hear what the Lord is saying to me. It's a constant battle with my flesh to hold back what I want in order to do what God wants.

...and I'm terrible at it...

God is still answering prayers for me though. For the longest time...and by longest time, I mean, this semester... I have wanted to be at the same school as my kids. That prayer has been answered...although...I'm so jilted about this whole process that I'm sort of at a "I'll believe it when I see it" attitude. I confess that attitude as sin though. I'm also to the point that I'm expressing my frustration to God. I believe He delights in my honesty and yet seems to be holding back on me in the answer department.

Of course I don't believe that God is really holding out on me. He can do as He wishes and is in much as I'll let Him be. Which is another area that I am struggling in. big.time.

What I really want is to hear Him more clearly in this situation. AND for His will to be my will. The problem is what I struggle with is I want my desires to be His will and at the same time MUST remain in His will because I KNOW it's the best place to be.

However, I can't see the forest for the trees. I can't hear God's direction because I'm so focused on what I thought He wanted for me. UGH!

I'm ready for this entire saga to be over, but I'm afraid it won't be over until I've learned what I'm supposed to learn from it. So I'm praying that God will be the Revealer to me over the next hours, days, weeks.

Above all, with tears streaming down my face, ABOVE ALL, I want more than anything to be in God's will for my life and for my family. I want what He wants, no matter how hard it is. I'm willing to do whatever. I may go kicking and screaming at times, but I'm going. I will serve Him. I will praise Him. I will trust Him.

Because I know He cares for me.

1 comment:

Koehler Boo Boo said...

I couldn't have said it better myself. Its nice to know there are others who struggle with God's will. Hang in there and I will too. Congrats on the move, I'm glad to hear that you'll be at our school soon.